Jeremy

** All names have been changed for confidentiality **

This one is a hard one. I think it is because it was drawn out for so long, we were best friends and quite frankly, the situation was just downright annoying.

Jeremy and I met in college. We went to Niagara College; I was in Customs and Immigration, and I believe he was in Police Foundations. I could be wrong, but I don’t overly care anyways. We had some classes together, so we worked on a project together, which he did 90% of. I wasn’t very motivated in college. We had each other on Facebook to chat about school. Once the project was done, we didn’t talk much after that. Occasionally, he would pop up in my Facebook messages just to talk about nothing.

A few years went by, during this time, he had moved to Mississauga, I was bouncing back and forth between living in Toronto and Niagara.

After so many rejections from so many guys, I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life. I decided to go on a health kick. I dropped 50 lbs., started taking care of myself, found a new job and was just enjoying life.

I had him on all my social media accounts at the time. I remember we even matched on Tinder. I posted a story of myself to Snapchat, and it was clear to see that I had lost a lot of weight. Jeremy reached out to me and complimented me on how great I looked. We started chatting again. He told me that he moved back to Fort Erie, approximately 25 minutes from where I lived. The casual chatting turned into all day texting back and forth, some flirting and just good conversation. I told him I had just started a new job in Fort Erie. He asked me where because funnily enough, he was starting a new job in Fort Erie in a couple of weeks. We ended up both working for the same company, doing the same job. What are the chances?

Finding out that we would be working together really pushed us to meet up rather than just text all the time. After all, it had been at least 5 years since we had last seen each other. At this point, we had disclosed that we both liked each other, so we decided to go on a date in Niagara Falls. We met up in the parking lot by Clifton Hill. He greeted me with a big hug. We made our way down to Starbucks while holding hands as we walked around by the falls. We talked a lot, laughed a lot and just enjoyed each other’s company.

It was in November, so it was getting cold out. We decided to make our way back to the cars. We decided to sit in my car for a while longer because we were having such a good time. He scrolled through my music, showed me some new songs and I did the same. Both of us were smokers, so it was just a chill and comfortable time, smoking cigarettes, listening to music and holding hands. As Jeremy was finding a song to show me, I grabbed another cigarette. I was about to light it, he pressed play. The song was “When I was your Man” by Bruno Mars, but it was an acoustic cover. Lighter in hand, approaching the cigarette, Jeremy stops me and says, “before you light that, I want to do something”. He leaned over and kissed me. I swear I almost melted into my seat. I think the music helped. The way I felt in that moment made me realize how I felt about him. I had been feeling a little unsure about him because I was worried that the only reason he started talking to me so much was because I had recently lost so much weight. I was also damaged from previous relationships. I tried my best to proceed with caution. The night ended around 4 or 5 am. It was a great evening and neither of us wanted to go home, but the sun was about to come up.

After the date, I realized how much I like him. We had talked about how great the date went and how we felt afterwards. We were on the same page. There was still a part of me that was scared to completely open up to him. Yes, I knew him from years ago, but I didn’t really know him. I couldn’t trust him just yet. My anxiety started to take over because he always wanted to see me, talk to me and I felt like he always wanted more than what I was giving him. As every emotionally damaged person does, I started to distance myself a little bit. It was all happening so fast. I was so scared of getting hurt again.

Jeremy could tell that I was backing off a bit and it really upset him, and I don’t blame him. At first, I was completely on board and willing to open up, then all of a sudden, I was distant. I tried to explain why I was distant, but I don’t think he overly understood or accepted that as a reasonable explanation. Again, I understand why he would feel that way. Things were going great and seemed so promising, but my anxiety got the best of me.

Jeremy started work and he was put on the same shift as I was. He sat in the cubicle directly behind me. It was a little awkward at first, since I had basically shut down the potential relationship. He seemed to handle it well and just carried on as friends, but friends that really liked each other. We agreed to take things slow since we would be working together. I wanted to make sure that we wouldn’t get sick of each other by working together as well as dating. We got along extremely well; he was the reason I looked forward to work every day.

Less than a month after we decided to take things slow, I suppose he reconnected with someone he went to high school with. He told me about her and how they were just friends, how he was confiding in her about us and how he should handle things. I was a little weary of that since majority of the time, guys and girls are never just friends. One almost always seems to have feelings for the other. That is just my opinion but prove me wrong.

This girl he had been talking to, her name? Claire. That’s right (see Damien blog). We have a Claire number three. Right off the bat, I had a bad feeling just based on my previous experiences with Claire’s. However, I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she wasn’t like the others.

The more they talked, the closer they got, and the more distant Jeremy and I got. I think he was scared to tell me that they had decided to start dating since he didn’t tell me until about 2 months into their relationship. He made it seem like we were still taking things slow, but he was actually dating Claire.

When I found out, I was obviously very upset and hurt. I had really strong feelings for Jeremy, and he was making it seem like he still felt the same way towards me. Once I learned that they were dating, I tried to get him to reconsider since we were supposed to be working towards being together. He told me that he had "moved on". I accepted it and tried to just be his friend. I didn’t want to hear about her or anything that they did together because it hurt me.

Over approximately just under a year of working the same shift, we grew closer and closer. We talked to each other about everything, we did everything together, joked around and just constantly were in each other’s lives. Everyone at work thought that we were dating. We were asked several times by several different people. It was so obvious that we had feelings for each other.

Valentines day arrived. We were working that night. Who ever got to work first always waited in the parking lot for the other person so we could walk in together. I was waiting for him that night. He pulled up beside me, got out and said he had a surprise for me. He pulled out this big stuffed monkey. He said, "Happy Valentine's Day". Naturally, I started crying because I was super emotional that we weren't actually together and it was a super cute gesture. We named him, Bananas.

Things got a little difficult because being with him every day but having the restrictions of being at work as well as respecting the fact he was in a relationship was so hard. I dealt with it as best as I could. I am not proud to say that I had many meltdowns in the washroom while we worked together. He witnessed a few of them, comforted me, supported me but I never told him the real reason why I was having a meltdown. I really don’t know if he realized how much all that hurt me. We would argue a lot because I was always so frustrated with him for getting involved with someone else. I felt betrayed.

There came a time where Jeremy and Claire broke up. I don’t remember how long it was for, but in that time, Jeremy and I started things up again. We stopped arguing, we basically fell back into our lovey-dovey phase like how we were in Niagara Falls and all the times before he started dating Claire. Things felt good again. There were times that we would sneak off outside at work to have some alone time.

There was a lot of cute moments at work which was awesome. We spent the day at an outlet mall on a weekend. I just remember feeling so happy that I had him back. During this time, we had finally slept together for the first time. That was something that I think we had both been frustrated about while he was dating Claire.

This didn’t last very long. A co-worker told me that he had talked with Claire and that they wanted to “take things slow” again. He assured me that he wasn’t back together with her, they just wanted to start talking again. He continued to kiss me when he saw me and call me all the cute names.

I ended up finding out from that same co-worker that he was in fact back with Claire. I was crushed. Once again, he had chosen Claire over me. I felt like I was never good enough for him. He struggled with anxiety and depression as well, so I genuinely thought that he would have understood why I was distant in the beginning and be willing to work with me. I was terribly wrong.

I had to listen to him tell others about Claire and her son, how amazing they were and how much he loves them. He started hanging up photos of the three of them so that it would be the first thing I saw when I came into work. I don’t think that these actions were malicious, maybe they were. I honestly don’t know. All I do know, is that it hurt me. A lot. All I needed from him was some consideration.

A few months later, I guess things were rocky between Jeremy and Claire. He was complaining to me about how they never have sex. He said she had some mental health issues that made her not want to be touched. I tried to help him understand where she may be coming from and how to be okay with it.

Somehow, trying to help Jeremy be understanding and supportive of Claire’s condition, it led to him constantly talking about sex with me. We ended up sexting a lot. He would send me photos and videos. Which at the time, I wasn’t against since I still really cared for him, and I just wanted him back. I tried to be a good person by being on Claire’s side, but he just wasn’t having it.

I got to the point where I just didn’t care anymore. I went along with all. There was one night that things got a little out of control. At the time, I was on afternoons and Jeremy was on the night shift. We had been texting back and forth all afternoon and night. We decided to meet up on his lunch break. At 1 am, I drove to Fort Erie, met him in a high school parking lot. I believe he told me it was his old high school where he used to play football.

I got out of my car, he got out of his. Correction, he had been driving Claire’s SUV to work, so he got out of Claire’s car. So slimy, I know. We both lit a smoke and talked for about 2 minutes. Jeremy put his smoke out, took mine out of my hand and tossed it. He pinned me up against my car and started kissing me. He ran his hands through my hair, his arms were wrapped around me. Next thing I know, we’re in the back seat of my car. I will let you use your imagination on what happened next.

After the deed was done, Jeremy got out and kissed me. He had to go back to work, so he gave me along hug and kiss. I will never forget the feeling I had when I saw him get back into Claire’s SUV and drive off. I felt absolutely disgusted with myself and with Jeremy. It was from that moment, I lost so much respect for him and also myself.

Claire, if you ever read this, I am genuinely sorry. I was young, sad and alone. I am also sorry that you ended up marrying someone that didn’t respect you. Jeremy told me that he ended up telling you that this happened, but I really don’t believe it. I hope that I was the only one he did this with. I am hoping that he never does this to you with other people. I hope that he becomes the man that you think he is. Again, I am sorry.

Jeremy ended up getting a new job and as did I. We went our separate ways and haven’t reconnected since. There are times where I wonder, could that have worked out if I hadn’t distanced myself from him at the beginning?

Truthfully, as much has we had an amazing connection, I know that I couldn’t trust him. He showed me his true colours and they weren't pretty. I am glad that I was not the one to marry someone who would just end up cheating on me when I have a mental health condition that effects my libido. I do miss our jokes, conversations, and friendship, but it just isn’t worth the headache. Plus, I found someone who loves me way more than he ever could.

Thanks for the memories, Jeremy, do better.