** All names have been changed for confidentiality **
** Warning - drug/alcohol abuse, suicide and depression mentioned in this blog **
I had a hard time falling asleep that night. My mind wouldn’t stop replaying everything over and over in my head. I tossed and turned for hours. I was so upset, and I just wanted to sleep so I could stop feeling and thinking. I took another sleeping pill in hopes that I could pass out. I waited 30 minutes and I was still awake. I took one more.
After the third pill, I don’t remember taking any more. I don’t remember much. I remember writing in my journal, words and broken sentences all over the pages. I remember feeling things and writing certain words down.
*This next part is based off what my mom told me*
I don’t remember it at all. I was downstairs, walking around the kitchen. I do remember my back was bothering me that night, so I put a bean bag in the microwave. What I didn’t realize is that I set the microwave for 13 minutes. My mom said she could hear me walking around and mumbling things. When she came down to check on me, she asked me how many pills I had taken. I told her 1 or 2. She went to my room and checked the bottle. Based on when I got them and how many I should have taken, there was 11 missing. My mom woke my dad up and told him how many prescribed pills I had taken. My dad called telehealth and told them how many I had taken and the dosage of each pill.
Telehealth advised my parents to get me to throw up, again, no recollection of this. I’m not sure if I was even able to throw any thing up. They advised to take me to the emergency because there was a chance that I could overdose. I remember being in the car with my mom and seeing the highway. I remember seeing a bunch of cars swerving in front of us. My mom told me that there was only one car.
Once we got to the hospital, I finally fell asleep. Mom told me we were there for 4 hours or so. The doctors took me in and asked me if I was trying to kill myself. I said no, but subconsciously I remember thinking, yes. After questions and assessments, the doctors told us that I was only 1 pill away from over-dosing and that I was lucky that my parents found me and took me to the hospital. My mom took me home and called my dad and let him know what the doctors said.
The next day, I was feeling extremely groggy. I decided to take a look at what I had written in my journal. I found notes to my immediate family, telling them how much I loved them and how they couldn’t help me. I wrote things like, “you did everything you could, just let me go”. That was a clear-cut sign that I was trying to commit suicide. I never ever thought that I would be someone to even consider it. Looking back, I am so thankful that it wasn’t a successful attempt.
After this happened, there were many other times that I would find any sort of pill to take in hopes that it would prevent me from waking up the next day. I was hurting so badly, and I just couldn’t bare that sick feeling in my stomach any longer.
** I want to take a moment to share these contacts with you. At that time, I didn’t know these existed. I hope that anyone who is feeling depressed, suicidal, alone, angry or hopeless, please take the time to call one of these crisis lines. You are not alone. There is so much to live for and there are more people in this world that love and care about you than you realize. **
CRISIS SERVICES CANADA: 1-833-456-4566 (available 24/7)
COAST(Crisis Outreach and Support Team): 1-877-825-9011 (available 24/7)
CMHA- Canadian Mental Health Association: www.cmha.ca
Looking back at all of these attempts, I wish I could have talked to my future self. I would have told myself, put down the bottle, put down the pills. It’s not worth it. I feel ashamed of myself for doing this to myself and to my family. I am very fortunate that I have an amazing family that loves me more than life itself. They held my hand every step of the way to get me the help I needed.
This phase of drinking and pills lasted a long time. Other situations, relationships and personal issues kept me running back to the bottle and pills. There are still times when I feel the urge to take pills to help me pass out so I don’t feel the pain I am experiencing. I have worked very hard to find other ways to relax myself and cope with whatever it is that is upsetting me.
To my family, I am truly sorry that I put you through that horrific experience. I wish that I could erase it from all our memories. I hate that I hurt you all. I love you all more than words can ever describe.
As for Mark and Julie, you will never fully understand the emotional damage you caused me. I was unable to trust and love for way too long because of you.
About 2 years into their relationship, I found out through a friend that Mark had left Julie. He ended up breaking up with Julie to be with Julie’s brother’s girlfriend.
I have two things to say. This goes to show you what kind of person Mark is. He is a narcissistic, controlling, malicious coward. He has no consideration for anyone's feelings but his own. I hope one day he realizes the traumatic experiences what he put me through and feels some sort of remorse, but I don't see that ever happening.
Lastly, Julie, Karma is a bitch.